Monday, September 25, 2006

This Sad Time

I don't know about writing this. I still don't know how I feel about putting this out into the world for other people to see. But here I am doing it. My dad, who was 81, died last week. He has been really unhappy since my mom died 2 1/2 years ago and in a strange way, I think he's happy about this. I feel odd speaking of him in the present but he feels so alive to me. When my mom died, it was as if she'd gone on a long vacation and forgot to call. I still think of her in the present as well. I told Mick that it feels so strange to go through this after having gone through losing my mother and almost dying myself. In a way, I'm so much better, so much saner, so much calmer except for those odd blocks of time when I feel myself collapsing in upon myself and I sob for what seems like days. Then I feel guilty for being so silly and irrational because my dad was/is so matter-of-fact. He'd look at me incredulously and say "Are you crying? For what!", then he'd shoot me that crooked mischievous smile and totally make me laugh. Those are the things that make me cry, his bizarre sense of humor, the way he walked really, really, really slowly. The fact that he didn't hug but always shook my hand and that he had "love" tattooed on one hand but not "hate" on the other (he didn't think it should exist in the world). He was a painter and sculpter back in the day, he taught us about art and we all appreciate art because of him. He was just the coolest guy and I don't get to hang out with him anymore. That's what makes me so fiercely sad.

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